I said I wasn't going to go through it again, in fact I think I swore that I wasn't going to do it again. The disappointment, drugs, injections, moodiness, I was quitting and we were moving on to adoption. Nat and I had the talk a half a dozen times; we were both defeated and ready to be happy and excited about something again. Two years was long enough, starting in December we decided to stop talking about babies and just enjoy each other’s company. We had planned on taking 6 months off, time to enjoy turning 30 and celebrate our 5 year Anniversary, then get down to business with adoption paperwork.
It had been a refreshing change in the house, a rebirth of normal conversation. No more talks of strange bruises and hot flashes; instead we talked about investment opportunities and the possibility of me working and going back to school. I began sleeping again, we started eating better and we had planned trips to Texas and to Montana. All this time we were getting back to normal when the conversations slowly turned back to the inevitable, what about that third round of IVF that the insurance would cover?
I guess it started creeping back into conversation when we innocently began looking at new homes. Every comment was about space for kids, their room sizes, family room sizes and if the yard could accommodate an impromptu kickball game. I envisioned my children and their friends coming home after school and playing in the yard, grandparents coming over on Christmas morning, and aunts and uncles teaching them jokes and telling them embarrassing stories about us. It all came back, all of the emotions, the desire and the yearning to have a child.
The conversations may have slowly turned back to this "last chance" but the emotions came flooding back all at once. One night after dinner I looked up at Nat and blurted out that we had to try again, just one more time. I couldn't leave the job 2/3rds done, we had this one other shot just hanging out there and I felt like it was taunting me. Initially Nat was the one that was dead set against doing this again, but he too had cracked, it was time for one last go.
Gone is our trip to Texas, my reaquaintence with sleep, and meaningful discussions. We have traded it all in for one last shot to try and have a baby. One last attempt and then we can truly be at peace with the decision to move forward with adoption.
(More on the upcoming IVF soon, we are looking at the beginning of April)
